First 2 days back...

2 days ago was the September 1st. I was nervous the whole night before bed and the whole morning before school. I had two reasons : I'll see my ex + the entire school will be looking at us, because we are the 12th grade. When you are in the last grade of high school, you have to take a 1st grader and walk with him in front of everyone and put them where they need to be. There is a whole thing about this, so i was really nervous! After like 30mins to 40mins, we got to our class. And i saw him. I saw John. I was surprised. Not of seeing him, but i was surprised that i didn't care that day about him, i don't know why, i just didn't. I don't even know for how long we were in the class, but it was really amazing being back. I missed my classmates during summer. After that my friends and i went to Chinese restaurant and had fun and i ate a LOT. I think i spent around 11-12euros for food for myself....ups! After that we went home and met at the cinema to watch a comedy. After the comedy i texted the boy from the wedding and we had a conversation which always was a fun one. There wasn't a conversation that was plane, it was really interesting to see how a boy can write when he is interested in a girl and when he doesn't want the conversation to consist of "Hello, what are you doing right now" or "What's your favorite color". It was never boring.

The next day came. It was the "first" day of school. From the 6 lessons that we had, math was the only one where we studied, so it was a really chilled day. But my mind was racing the entire time and i was thinking about something the entire time. Can you guess? My ex. Of course... So i went home and i kept thinking. I kept thinking about him, and that was really bothering me. Mind you, i was texting this other guy parallel this all is happening. I couldn't shake what was going on in my head, but then it hit me. I don't want to go out with this guy, i don't know why, but i don't. I wanted to before, but now i changed my mind. I started thinking - what if i'm not ready, what then? What will i do? So i texted 2 of my friends and told about the situation. And they told me to be honest with him, but mostly to be honest with me. So i came to this conclusion - I am not ready to be in a relationship, just 5 months ago John broke up with me and it still hurts, and i am not ready to start a new thing. Not now. Not just yet. So that's what i told the guy from the wedding yesterday. And he was so understanding. We are friends, but we haven't spoken since. I am not sad, actually. My friend asked me - "How do you feel?", and i said that i felt really good, like really good. I felt like a heavy stone was lifted off of my chest and i could breathe again. She told me - "Then you did the right thing". And she was right. If i am not ready to something, i am not going to push it.

The big reason why i don't want a relationship proved the day before yesterday. I miss my ex. It is miserable but it is the truth. Happy first 2 days back, ha?

The main question is - Am i even ready? Will i ever be? What will happen if i am happy? Will i be able to be happy? Or will i not be?