My anxiety and almost depression...

For me this is a new and sad experience, because i have anxiety and during july i almost fell into a depression. I want to share my problems, because it is easier to express yourself and let the bad things out than just keep them to myself. I didn't think about these things like 3 months ago, because even if i had problems, i had school, so everything about stress and fear i put on school work. I blamed school. What i didn't realise is all these problems were just piling up into piles. They were making a tower and waiting for me to fall off them. And instead of talking about it with my friends and family, i let them surround me and burn me. It would've been easier to cry and let it out, but i couldn't. I just wasn't able to. So i ignored them, and that was the stupidest thing i could've ever done.

As you know i was with a boy named John, who i fell in love with, but he broke up with me few days after being together. He just wasn't ready. I thought that after a while i would forget about him and move on, but i missed him so much. I don't know what it was about him, but i did. So that was the first thing in my list of problems.

Me and my mum used to fight a lot and argue, few times that made me cry, because i couldn't stand her. And i felt sad and miserable, i felt like the next year with her would be a nightmare. That was the second thing in the list of my problems.

Then as you know, i broke my friendship with one of my closest friends, so that she and i wouldn't heart ourselves and each other. I wasn't able to tell her about these things, because she wouldn't listen. She'd think that she knows me better than i know myself and that is not true, because she is not with me 24/7, so she has no right to say that. That was a problem too.

Then i started thinking about these 3 things and i instantly remembered all my previous problems and i started overthinking them and that is never a good thing. I shouldn've done that. But the moment you get cought up in these things, the time flies and you realise that you are sad and don't know what to do. So after i broke my friendship i almost broke. I think The Gabbie Show said something like this in one of her vlog - "You know how with your phone, you can throw it, drop it, run over with a truck an it never brakes. Then something small happens, like you pick it up harder that usual, or you drop it and it lands a little bit funny and it shatters. That's me." And i felt like that. The big things just hit me instantly and i never broke, but the little thing-like forgetting something-happened and i shattered, i broke. And that is the reason why i almost fell into a depression. Not just the little things, the fact that i was at a point in my life where i couldn't think like i did before without thinking about something sad. I was at a point where i thought i'd never make it out, i thought it would never pass. I didn't know what i would've done to stop it. That is how much hurt i was. But it kind of got a little bit better, because i feel a little bit happier now. I did have a panic attack in a party, but my friend was there to calm me down, but before with these things no one was there, because i didn't want to bother them. And that is not good. I needed to talk to someone to end this, to end this suffering. I did and now i feel a little bit happier.

I have an anxiety. Which can come out in so many different ways. If i am in a big party i want to drink to fit in, because i don't feel comfortable about being there.I get anxious when being in front of a lot of people. I have shyness which is common to social anxiety, which means that i want to socialize, but i am scared to. I want to meet new people, but i can't. I love making surprises and planning them, but i don't feel comfortable being surprised. I like them, it is just difficult for me. So i think a lot of people just put that as a problem, that can be fixed. I don't think it can. Yes, i will someday be comfortable in a crowded parties, but i will never be truly myself. This is the saddest thing about having anxiety-is being stressed out, when you know there is no reason to be stressed out. Making problems when you know for a fact there are none. You are just not able to control your feelings at that point. And i think that is a huge thing in my life that i can not control, so if i have a full mind panic attack, i will have it, and i'll be okey. I just have to remember not to let it control my life and i have to try to live ahead of it to make myself happier!