My true colours...

My life was so happy through out june and i was actually really happy and i actually thought that my life’s frown is turning upside down. Although, first 10 days of july has been a complete mess. I am so sad about this. I have been feeling down for a long time, because of my break up with John, but i seemed to have forgotten about it, but something reminded me about it and i just felt down all of a sudden. Old memories came back and i just felt lonely. Then me and My friend Ally started getting into fights about the silliest little things, but our tentions were so high, that we just were fighting and being on edge all the time. And i felt trapped and sad most of the time, so that didn’t help. Me and Ally were fighting when we started fighting via WhatsApp. Noone was at fault, but we were so angry, because of our lives problems, that fighting with each other just made it a lot worse. So i had enough. I just said that i think we should take a break through out summer and in school until we can talk to each other normaly and without the tension. So we stopped talking, it has been few days and i can honestly say, that i am feeling a lot better now. Not because i ended a friendship with someone who used to be a very close friend of mine, but because she will not get hurt by me anymore. She will be happy without me in her life. I made the fight up(which totslly could’ve been avoided), just so i could end her suffering and heartache because of me. All these things were boiling up inside of me and i couldn’t get them out, i wasn’t able to cry. And that is not good. Lilly kept telling me to cry and then it will get better, but i am not just able to do it. I can’t. So now i am building this tower of sadness and problems and it is stable like i am right now, every big thing that i can take is going on top and the tower is building bigger by a minute. But there is only so much that i can take… So when something small will happen, i’ll just break and i don’t know how’ll get better. Me and my mom have so many fights, i can’t even take that anymore. I remember my dad, who died 10 years ago, and i still miss him like crazy. I have no idea what to do and how to help myself. I have no idea how on earth to do that. I am hopeless. I have friends who support and love me, but i feel empty inside. I feel like i am falling into a hole and not being able to find ground. And even if i’ll find ground, i won’t be able to stand on my feet, because i wll have been already fallen to my face and gotten hurt. I hope i can make out of this with some smile, real smile, because now-i wear fake smile which is loosing it’s appeal…