The feelings that won't dissapear...

I have been thinking what to write for months, the words just won’t come out and the thoughts just continue to spin around my head and make a chaos. I have my friends to talk to, but i feel like a am making them bored with all of my problems. I know it is getting a little obnoxious, even though they tell me that everything is okey. I have these days, when i feel amazing and life is beautiful and everyhting is perfect. Then i have days where it has been taken away from me and i feel sad and empty and not full of energy. Then i have days where i am still crushed, sad and miserable, but i hide it with smile, that is no way real. Then i have days where i am still hurt, but trying to recover. And then it is all okey again. And i have these days on repeat, over and over again, without change, for the past 3 months. I know i will get past this, but i don’t know when – after days, weeks, years? When? I have these crushed feeling inside that aren’t able to heal for themselves. I want to heal them, but i am broken too. Every little peace is broken. I have no idea how to fix it. Don’t get me wrong, i live a blessed life, but sometimes this life just gets too hard to handle. Lilly keeps telling that i am stronger than i ever thought i was. Am i really? I know i have to believe in this, so that it’ll make me feel better, but right now i am just not able to. I need someone, i want someone, who can hold me, while i cry. Who won’t judge me, if i am sad. Who will be there for me, when i need them to. Who will open me up and make me belive that i am beautiful even when i am sad and crying. And i’ll do the same to that person… I have had days where i feel like i can do anything i set my mind to, and days, where i feel like falling in an endless hole, without a hope of getting out. But i have my friends who are there for me and who make feel better. I hope that someday i can feel better and write a blog on a much happier note. I hope that one day, i will have a happy song in my head while writing this and not a sad one.